Round 12

Today was round 12, which leaves me with just 4 more rounds to go. Each week that goes by feels like a weight is being lifted from my shoulders. Especially after days like today. I wasn't so sure that would be the case after the nurse weighed me though. I gained 6 pounds this week. SIX POUNDS! (gasp!) It felt very similar to the time when I was pregnant and gained 12 pounds in one month. Even the nurse was surprised by this jump in weight. She tried to make me feel better saying it was probably just water weight from the steroids and said it would likely come off as soon as I'm done with the chemo. Fingers double crossed! Even though any weight gain (especially for girls) is very hard to take, I realize I have a few things I'm dealing with that are just a little more important. :) So, instead of dwelling on it, I've decided to pass on all the evils I love that all my friends and family like to bring me... carrot cake, brownies and chocoloate donuts. Grrrrr! The appointment did end on a better note. I got the pathology results for my thyroid... Low probability of neoplasm, consistent with a benign thyroid nodule. Basically, this means I have nothing to worry about. I will just have to follow up periodically to make sure it doesn't grow in size. Thennnnn, Dr. Ellis did another breast exam. She checked and checked and checked again and could not feel the tumor. She said had she not known my history of breast cancer she would not have suspected anything to be wrong. Dr. Ellis is typically very calm, cool and collected, but today when she was checking me I saw some excitiment in her I haven't seen in previous appointments. Her reaction gave me such a sense of relief. This seems like great progress considering where I started. I was diagnosed with a stage 3 triple negative breast cancer and now my doctor cannot even feel it. My tumor was so large it was visible by sight. I really do feel like my prayers are being answered. *tears*

My sister in law (to be), Janette, came along to my appointment today. She is also the lovely leader of "Team Margie" for the Susan G. Komen walk in June. She amazes me with everything she's doing and all the ideas she has come up with to raise money for this very important foundation. I'm so thankful for everything she has and continues to do for me and this foundation. I was happy to share this great day with her. :)  I even got a few surprise guests today - Jamie and Rachelle. They were both at the hospital today waiting for Rachelle's dad and a good friend of ours, Kathleen, to get out of surgery. Kathleen was donating one of her kidneys to Rachelle's dad. She is truly a selfless and special person. I cannot wait to give her a big hug when I get to see her.

I've had some really good days the last couple of weeks. I can feel my attitude changing for the better. I am back to feeling positive about all of this and even feel a little like myself again. I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. My friend Amy sent me a text this evening that made me cry... a happy cry. She said "4 weeks and you start a new chapter. It's not quite the end of this book in your life but a chapter closer to putting the cancer book down. We will celebrate gynormously when it's done!" I very much look forward to that celebration with all the people who have helped me get through this journey. :)

Round 11

Round 11 down, 5 more to go! Treatment today went very well, except for the fact that I can't ever escape this insomnia I get every Monday night. Jenny, my best friend and other half since we were young girls went with me today. I loved having her. We spent a lot of time laughing and just relaxing. Chemo can actually be relaxing without all the side effects. The nurse switched up my pre-meds today. Instead of getting the benadryl directly in my IV, I took it orally. I was still a little sleepy, but made it through the entire treatment without falling a sleep, slurred speech, knocking something over and I even had full control over my body. Niiiiice! My treatments from this point on should go just as well with the switch. The nurse I had has gone through the same treatment as I am and had similar side effects to the medicine. When she recommended taking the benadryl orally I was ready to try anything. She asked me if I was feeling like I didn't have control of my legs... I said "more like my whoooooole entire body." Now if I could just figure out how to skip out on the steroids, then I'd be one happy, sleeping girl.

When I was talking with the therapist last week she recommended a book called "Bad Things Happen to Good People." As I was looking for that book tonight, I came across a book called "Peace from Broken Pieces: How to Get Through What You're Going Through." The title immediately caught my attention and felt like I needed to read this book. I didn't really know what it was about, I just knew I wanted to get through what I was going through. After reading the first two chapters, I learned this women endured a lot of pain in her life. Though, she has gone through some very different experiences than I have, I still felt like I related to her pains in many ways. Throughout my life, I have felt many feelings she had described. This book has already touched me so much. I read the first chapter three times and cried through the entire second chapter. The book sorta reminds me of therapy, you have to get through all the yucky pain and hurt before you get to the happy and the healing. I'm looking forward to reading on. :)

A passage from her book that I keep going back to-

"The breaking down into pieces of life is a painful thing to watch and even more painful to endure. Even more devastating is that as your life begins to unravel, day by day, piece by piece, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. You see what is happening. You know what is happening. And you want anything other than what is happening to happen. You see, somewhere deep inside, we all know that lives are not built to fall apart. That is just not what lives are meant to do. The lives we are given by God are meant by God to grow, to blossom and flourish. The reality is, however, lives do crumble.
I now realize that lives fall apart when they need to be rebuilt. Lives fall apart when the foundation upon which they were built needs to be relaid. Lives fall apart, not because God is punishing us for what we have or have not done. Lives fall apart because they need to. They need to because they weren't built the right way in the first place. I came to this realization one day, after many days, weeks, months, and years of trying to fix the cracks in my foundation. One day, one moment of time, as I sat helplessly surveying the broken pieces of my mind, heart, and life. I recognized that a broken life is a test of faith of the highest order."

Lots of stufffff

This week was a busy one for me and I am writing this entry with the last bit of energy I have left. I wish I could share every detail of my week, but I think this post would turn into a novel. So, instead I will try and recap the events that stand out. :)

On Tuesday, I went with my sister Breanna to get the tattoo she's been planning to get since I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. She texted me one day and asked me what my favorite flower was. I assumed she was going to have flowers sent to me. Well, I was wrong. The next time I saw her she showed me a beautifully drawn picture of a peony with a breast cancer ribbon. The drawing was done by her very talented friend, Lisa. I of course was very honored she'd do this for me. So, when she asked if I'd go with her to get it done I said yessssss! The tattoo turned out amazing and I feel even more bonded with her.

Later that evening my parents, sister, the girls and I all went over to my brothers house to celebrate his birthday. It was nice to spend the evening with my family. I've always been very close with my family, but now more than ever I feel a strong need to be around them. Especially my daughters. I can't stand to be away from them. I miss them just knowing I'll be away from them. This has kind of always been the case with them though. ;)

Thursday, I met with my therapist. This is the same therapist I was seeing up until the September before I was diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, I was finally just getting through a lot of things I'd been dealing with for many years. I was just beginning to feel like I was on my way to a really good and peaceful place... and then bam, I was hit with breast cancer and my whole world was turned upside down again. I knew I'd need to go back to her or someone, but was really nervous to make that step. Therapy is a tough thing to start, at least for me. I made the appointment on Monday, and by Tuesday I was trying to convince myself I didn't need to go. But, I am so glad I did. Even though cancer consumed my almost every thought, I was still in a little bit of denial about the whole thing. Just recently it hit me hard and I knew it was time to deal with all the emotions and feelings I have been having. I felt better as soon as I sat in the chair and began talking. I even look forward to my next appointment with her.

The next day, Friday, was the appointment for my thyroid. I imagined this appointment to be much worse than it was. I was still haunted by the biopsy needle that went into my breast I think. That is the needle I imagined going into my neck. Eeeek! I was relieved when the doctor described to me the actual procedure. It was quick and painless. He numbed my neck and then insterted three tiny needles that somehow get enough cells to find out if this thing on my thyroid is something to worry about or not. I'm choosing at this point not to worry. I've been reassured by a few doctors now that these nodules are extremely common.

That evening my friends planned an early birthday party for me. It was a wig/beach theme. I was super excited about this as I'm never really that comfortable being in a wig, but I'm also not that comfortable being bald when I'm in a large group. There was a definite sense of relief knowing that I wasn't going to be the only one in a wig. The guys and even a few girls did silly wigs that kept us entertained. By the end of the night we were all swapping wigs and having a lot of fun with it. The beach theme was equally nice because I have been craving a beach vacation so badly. I plan to hop on the first flight to Mexico or Hawaii as soon as I am done with all this crazinesssss. I had the best time and once again feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have these amazing people in my life. 

This may have been the best wig of the night.

I loved the purple wig the most!

Making the most important birthday wish I ever have!

                                    
My exciting weekend didn't end with my birthday party. The very next night I got to attend a very special baby shower for my friends Amy & Joe. This was not just any baby shower. This was an 80's themed baby shower with a DJ spinning all the best music from the 80's. Everyone was dancing and having the best time. I so wished I would have had more energy to participate. But it was still a great time watching from the sidelines. Justine came up with a really good idea. When this cancer business is all over, we need to have a real beach party with a DJ playing 80's music. I can't think of anything better! :)

Amy & Joe

I finished the weekend off spending the day with my daughters and niece. Then came home and had a nice mellow night with Eric and the girls watching our favorite show, Amazing Race. I'm very much looking forward to going to bed soon. Tomorrow will be round 11, which will leave me with just 5 more to go! I love that so so much!

This has been one of the best weeks I've had since all this began. I am looking forward to more weeks like this.

Round 10

I completed round 10 yesterday, February 28th. I woke up feeling very emotional and irritable. This seems to be happening more and more lately. I was also very nervous that I would react to the medicine the same way I did the last week. My sister dropped me off to my appointment and was going to come in and keep me company for awhile, but I really wanted to be alone. I know to most people it probably seems more scary to be alone while going through this, but I sometimes find it easier.


One thing I would strongly recommend to anyone going through cancer or anything else life affecting at all is do not go online and search message boards. I did this last week and I really wish I hadn't. It started out with just simple searches such as gaining weight while on chemotherapy. The searches then moved onto women who have had recurrences of cancer within weeks of having their mastectomies. When I started reading these stories, I couldn't stop. I had a full on panic attack and I'm not sure it's gone away yet. It felt like the wind was literally knocked out of me. I haven't been able to get these stories out of my head. I know every situation is different and I can't focus so much energy on someone else's story. It's just so hard when I'm feeling so scared. But, I've made a promise to myself not do this again and I'm putting that energy into my own story... making sure it's a happy ever after.


I got to my appointment and did my blood tests. They were almost perfect this time. This just shows how much easier Taxol is on the body. The worst of it is the insomnia, body aches and easily fatigued. Those I will take any day to the AC effects. Every Monday before treatment I meet with Dr. Ellis and her nurse to go over the week before and what's to come. I've spent so much time with these women that they can tell pretty quickly when I'm not feeling well or if it's something else. Yesterday, they both could tell I was going through the something else. I broke down while talking with Dr. Ellis. I told her I was just really tired. She knew what "tired" meant and told me the feelings I'm having at this point in my treatment are to be expected. I've come so far, but I still have a long road ahead of me. She was very encouraging and told me I was doing great. That helped, but I still left there feeling very emotional. I even cried the whole time I was scheduling my appointment for the biopsy on my thyroid. I'm guessing the scheduling receptionist must see this a lot working in a cancer center. My biopsy is scheduled for Friday, March 4th. Still keeping my fingers crossed that this is benign!!!!!


I headed up to start treatment. I was completely drained from all the crying I'd just done and was ready for my treatment to begin so I could lie down and take a nap. I also wanted to fall asleep before all the meds started kicking in in hopes that I would miss all the side effects. I fell into a light sleep almost immediately and woke up over halfway through it. I was feeling  the benadryl and just kept telling myself I was going to be fine. I ended up falling back into a deeper sleep and when I woke up, I really was fine. :) I was a little more tired when I got home this time, but overall felt pretty well. Eric made dinner and made sure I had everything I needed all night.


Yesterday when I was feeling so many things and trying to deal with them all by myself, I realized it was time to see a therapist. I was seeing a therapist last summer and stayed in contact with her over email since my diagnosis. She, too, is a cancer survivor. She's offered to start seeing me again and until now I kind of pushed it aside. I emailed her yesterday and asked her if her offer was still on the table. She immediately wrote back and put me on her schedule for Thursday. I'm feeling a little afraid to do this and want to back out, but I know deep down it will help. I tend to (as a lot of you know) think I can deal with things on my own and what ends up happening is I keep it all bottled up. This way isn't really working out for me right now.

Round 9

I completed round 9 of treatment yesterday, leaving me with just 7 more to go. I'm over halfway through this and that makes me a very happy girl. My aunt and uncle went to my treatment with me, and they are very sweet to want to take me. I'm finding that it's important to so many people to want to be a part of this with me and help me get through it in anyway they can. Even something so simple as taking me to treatment. For that, I feel completely blessed and so thankful.

My treatment yesterday may have been the toughest yet. I'm not sure why this one out of all of them. It may be that I'm not taking the extra steroids that I was taking before. Who knows. It felt like I was having a drug overdose. That's the best way to describe it. I was feeling very out of body like. The anxiety lasted pretty much all night and into this morning. Oddly enough, I started to finally relax when I arrived to an ultrasound appointment this morning. The ultrasound was to check the spot they saw on the Pet/CT scan back in November. I always had this "spot" in the back of my head, but my doctor told me it was something we'd visit later into my treatment as it wasn't the main focus. So, I put it in the back of my head and let it stay there until now. Going into this ultrasound I hoped that they would tell me it was just a cyst, but I kind of knew that wouldn't be the case. And it wasn't. I don't know much yet, but do know it's not a cyst. It's a solid nodule that is a little over a half inch. I will have to do a biopsy to find out if it's cancer or benign. I'm hoping benign. Fingers crossed! Luckily, from what I've heard, thyroid cancer is the easiest treated cancer you can get. When I left the appointment I was feeling a little defeated. I wasn't ready to just get in my car and go on with my day, so I ended up just sitting in the lobby of the hospital for about 20 minutes trying to process this all. Not just the thyroid issue, but everything. I keep going back to the question of why me? Why do I have to go through all this? Is it some sort of lesson that I need to learn about life? Am I going to be a better person when this is all over? Right now, all I know for sure is I really really hate cancer and I'm really really ready for this to be over.


On a happier note, I think my hair is starting to grow back. It's growing back in small patches in random places, but it's still growing. :) I have definitely taken to not having to shave my legs the last few months, but I am gladly welcoming that back right about now. What's strange is as I'm growing back the hair on my legs and head, I'm losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. I'm not sure if this is a fair trade. = p

Round 8

Round 8 was on February, 14th... Valentines Day. What a nice day to spend with the newest love of my life, chemo. :)

I went to chemo with about two hours of sleep. This time it wasn't because of the steroids. I was steroid free going into round 8. Yesssss! That was a definite plus. But, I did go in with a terrible cold + no sleep  =  no likey! I looked very much forward to the Benadryl I was going to get in my IV. I was in need of a nice nap.

I was wide awake Sunday night because I couldn't seem to shut off my mind. I received a call from my mom in Montana telling me my uncle was in the hospital and "it's not looking good". He was dying from cancer. Last month he became very ill and was told by his doctors that his cancer was too far gone to treat and had about two months to live. Cancer had taken over his body and left him in so much pain, he was only "comfortable" with constant pain medication. This makes me incredibly sad. It makes me sad not only for him, but for my family who is with him, watching someone they love die from cancer. At this point, I imagine it is much harder on them then it is on him. 

This isn't the first time my mom has had to watch someone she loves die from cancer. When she was pregnant with me, her own mother died from what began as breast cancer that spread throughout her body. She watched her from a young age battle this awful disease. Now she's not only been watching her brother lose his battle with cancer, but her own daughter is fighting this disease as well. My heart is so heavy for her right now. I cannot imagine what this must feel like for her, what she must be going through. It's heart breaking.

I was sitting in the waiting room at my appointment when I received the call from mom that my uncle had passed away early that morning. Even though I knew it was coming, I wasn't expecting to hear those words. It was very sad news and when I saw Dr. Ellis she could tell something was bothering me besides me just being under the weather. I told her what was going on and she was very sweet and sympathetic.

I was asked several times throughout the day how I was handling the news. I was sad. I was of course sad that my uncle had passed away, but I was also sad that cancer had taken someone else's life. I was sad because I have cancer and am very sensitive to the words dying and cancer. It gives me a pit in my stomach that I can't even explain to anyone. I don't ever imagine this will be my outcome, but I have to admit it frightens me so much. It makes me hate cancer so much more! Needless to say, my day did not start out very well.

My day soon got better though when one of my very best friends, Amy, came by my appointment to see me. She is truly a breath of fresh air and one of the most positive people I've ever known. When I talk with her she always sees the bright side of things rather than focus on the negative. She completely gets my feelings and then talks me through it so that I see the positives. I am incredibly grateful to her. She also brought me some pink tulips, which are one of my favorite flowers! I warned her that as soon as the Benadryl hit my veins I'd likely be fast asleep... and I was right. She continued to sit with me though and read some magazines. I always feel bad at the point when I fall asleep because there's really nothing to do for the people who come with me. But, I know this is probably more of a concern to me than it is to the people there. I'm really lucky to have so many people who want to share this time with me. 

I then had a second guest arrive, my cousin Kristin. Amy had to leave, so it was perfect timing. This was the first time Kristin and I were able to sit and talk since my diagnosis... just the two of us. So, it was nice to be able to answer all her questions about my cancer. (To learn more about Triple Negative Breast Caner, please visit http://www.tnbcfoundation.org/understandingtnbc.htm) A lot of people, including myself, are fully aware of breast cancer but aren't aware that there are many types of breast cancer. We talked a lot about that and my upcoming surgery. She also brought me a very lovely gift, a bracelet that she made herself. I love it. I love jewelry so much, especially now when I don't feel super feminine.

I was then surprised by a third guest, Eric. I knew he was coming to pick me up from my appointment, but I didn't expect him until a little later. It was a nice surprise. :)

We arrived home that evening and I gave the girls their Valentines gifts and then fell asleep pretty quickly. I awoke a little while later to dinner made, followed by some chocolate covered strawberries. I was a very happy girl. That morning Eric and the girls gave me my gift. It was a picture of the girls and me that was hand drawn from a friend of Eric's, Jordan Ekdahl, from a previously taken picture. It was gorgeous. I couldn't think of anything I'd want more. :)

I thought I'd include some photos Amy took while at my treatment yesterday. I know a lot of people wonder what it's like for me while I'm there. It really is a very simple and relaxing time. I'm sitting in a fairly comfy chair with the blanket my family made me and I'm hooked up to an IV that the nurses come in and change the medications that are being administered. The nurses are always very nice and make you feel very comfortable.

                         The very pretty flowers from Amy.

                        Just hanging out.

                       This is right after I was given Benadryl and will soon be night night.

Fast asleep.

Moving right along...

At my last appointment with Dr. Ellis she told me it was time to start planning my surgery. I had some mixed feelings about this. I knew this part was coming, and fast, but, I was just getting used to my chemo routine. In a strange way, I find comfort in my chemo routine. Even though I've spent many many hours the last few weeks researching and looking at images of women who have underwent a mastectomy, I still wasn't mentally prepared for this next phase. I avoided looking at these images (and pretty much anything else to do with breast cancer) until just recently. When Dr. Ellis warned me the preparation for surgery usually causes a lot of stress to women, she was right. The site of some of these images put me in a panic, maybe even depressed. As much as I know this has to be done (and I want it done), there's really no way of preparing yourself. Maybe there is, and I just havent found my peace with it yet. Since this whole cancer thing started, I've pretty much just taken things day to day, not really looked into the future. Planning the surgery is forcing me to do that. Forcing me to start dealing with the fact I am having my breasts removed and what that means. Imagining looking down at myself and instead of having breasts, I will have scars. But the scars mean I won, right? They are just my war wounds? I'm trying hard to remind myself of this.


The day after treatment I called two surgeons Dr. Ellis recommended. I first did some research on both and was pretty confident I knew which doctor I wanted to go with. But, I scheduled appointments with both just to be sure. My first appointment was on Thursday with Dr. Claire Buchanan. She was my first choice as she deals primarily with breast cancer surgeries. I liked the idea that the breasts were her specialty. :) I had Justine come to this appointment with me for two reasons. First, the nurse called me after I scheduled my appointment to recommend I have someone with me when I met with the doctor. This was concerning to me because this meant it really was going to be as scary as I'd imagined this appointment to be. But I also knew she would be calming to me while there. Dr. Buchanan spent a lot of time going over my cancer and even showed me the image from my first MRI. Halfway through the appointment I was at ease. I wasn't as scared and even felt like I could be ready to do this. Maybe... : p  

I scheduled my surgery on April 25th for a bilateral mastectomy. Yiiiiikes!