I completed round 10 yesterday, February 28th. I woke up feeling very emotional and irritable. This seems to be happening more and more lately. I was also very nervous that I would react to the medicine the same way I did the last week. My sister dropped me off to my appointment and was going to come in and keep me company for awhile, but I really wanted to be alone. I know to most people it probably seems more scary to be alone while going through this, but I sometimes find it easier.
One thing I would strongly recommend to anyone going through cancer or anything else life affecting at all is do not go online and search message boards. I did this last week and I really wish I hadn't. It started out with just simple searches such as gaining weight while on chemotherapy. The searches then moved onto women who have had recurrences of cancer within weeks of having their mastectomies. When I started reading these stories, I couldn't stop. I had a full on panic attack and I'm not sure it's gone away yet. It felt like the wind was literally knocked out of me. I haven't been able to get these stories out of my head. I know every situation is different and I can't focus so much energy on someone else's story. It's just so hard when I'm feeling so scared. But, I've made a promise to myself not do this again and I'm putting that energy into my own story... making sure it's a happy ever after.
I got to my appointment and did my blood tests. They were almost perfect this time. This just shows how much easier Taxol is on the body. The worst of it is the insomnia, body aches and easily fatigued. Those I will take any day to the AC effects. Every Monday before treatment I meet with Dr. Ellis and her nurse to go over the week before and what's to come. I've spent so much time with these women that they can tell pretty quickly when I'm not feeling well or if it's something else. Yesterday, they both could tell I was going through the something else. I broke down while talking with Dr. Ellis. I told her I was just really tired. She knew what "tired" meant and told me the feelings I'm having at this point in my treatment are to be expected. I've come so far, but I still have a long road ahead of me. She was very encouraging and told me I was doing great. That helped, but I still left there feeling very emotional. I even cried the whole time I was scheduling my appointment for the biopsy on my thyroid. I'm guessing the scheduling receptionist must see this a lot working in a cancer center. My biopsy is scheduled for Friday, March 4th. Still keeping my fingers crossed that this is benign!!!!!
I headed up to start treatment. I was completely drained from all the crying I'd just done and was ready for my treatment to begin so I could lie down and take a nap. I also wanted to fall asleep before all the meds started kicking in in hopes that I would miss all the side effects. I fell into a light sleep almost immediately and woke up over halfway through it. I was feeling the benadryl and just kept telling myself I was going to be fine. I ended up falling back into a deeper sleep and when I woke up, I really was fine. :) I was a little more tired when I got home this time, but overall felt pretty well. Eric made dinner and made sure I had everything I needed all night.
Yesterday when I was feeling so many things and trying to deal with them all by myself, I realized it was time to see a therapist. I was seeing a therapist last summer and stayed in contact with her over email since my diagnosis. She, too, is a cancer survivor. She's offered to start seeing me again and until now I kind of pushed it aside. I emailed her yesterday and asked her if her offer was still on the table. She immediately wrote back and put me on her schedule for Thursday. I'm feeling a little afraid to do this and want to back out, but I know deep down it will help. I tend to (as a lot of you know) think I can deal with things on my own and what ends up happening is I keep it all bottled up. This way isn't really working out for me right now.