Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

I came across this song today and have been crying ever since. I immediately thought of Eric. He has been through it all with me and has never once tried to leave... even when I've asked him to. He promised he'd stay by my side and that's where he's been every single day since. I haven't made it easy. I have had every single emotion a person can have during this time... scared, tired, relieved, happy, sad, angry, devastated, strong, thankful.

I'm just a few days away from my final treatment and it's more emotional for me than I imagined it would be. It's been almost nine months since this all started... the day I received the phone call that changed my life forever. All those emotions are hitting me all at once as this is all coming to an end.

I'm beginning to wonder what my life will be like after cancer. My life has changed and I feel myself continuing to change. I keep saying "I want my normal life back". The truth is... I'm not sure what that is anymore. I'm looking forward to finding my new "normal". So, everyday from this point on, I'm going to live my life wide open to new possibilities. I'm going to open my mind to the lessons I need to learn after cancer. Life is a precious gift and I'm going try and live every single day thankful I'm here living in the moment, not looking back.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I have a hairdo... kinda...

I'm excited to say... I finally have enough hair to (maybe) call it a hair style! :)


Just a quick little update...

I am down to just four more radiation treatments. WOO HOO! I'm not sure my skin could take anymore than that. I am burnt to a crisp and it may just get worse over this week. Yikes! The pain from the burn may even be worse than the mastectomy surgery. But, I see the end in sight and that is keeping my spirits up. I even have a special day planned for my final appointment. The girls, Eric and I are staying at a hotel downtown and having a pool partyyyyy (weather permitting, of course).

Thursday, July 14, 2011

HATE cancer.

It's been awhile since I've written. I said this in my last post too... but it's been really hard for me to write how I'm feeling because it changes so much. It seemed much easier to write when everything was so fresh... the words and feelings just came pouring out.

I've been feeling ok with the radiation treatments, but have my days of exhaustion both physically and emotionally. I've finally reached the point in the treatment where I'm feeling the effects. My skin is getting irritated and red... my energy level is hitting some low points. It's the kind of exhaustion that a good night sleep and a nap during the day doesn't help. It's been affecting my mood and I'm finding myself becoming very irritable. I'm taking it out on the people closest to me and that makes me feel even worse. I've been trying to take some time by myself in the evenings so that I can find some peace and calm... That seems to be helping a little bit. I have to keep reminding myself that I have just two and a half weeks to go and then I will be done with all of this! I'm really, really looking forward to that final day.

I had a bit of a set back emotionally yesterday. I found out a dear friend of mines sister is losing her battle with cancer. She has been fighting this awful disease for several years and has done so with so much grace. It hit me very hard for so many reasons. My heart is broken for her, her family and most of all her children. She is a mother of a young boy and girl. I don't know how you prepare yourself and your children for this. It's my worst fear. There's not a day that goes by that I don't have a tinge of fear that this could happen to me. Just a few months ago, I was talking with my friend about her sister and how she was doing. She told me about a conversation she had with her that has stuck with me ever since. She asked her sister if she was afraid to die. Her sister said she was not afraid to die, but she was afraid to leave the people she loved. I cried when I heard that and I'm crying now. That is the most profound thing I've heard since I've been diagnosed with cancer. It's how I feel. I'm not afraid to die... I'm afraid to leave my daughters, my family, my friends... who are my family.

Cancer is unfair and I'm really mad at it right now!

If I can send any message at all... Every day, tell the people who matter to you that you love and appreciate them. And love your children unconditionally, no matter what. Tell them you love them EVERY DAY.