The best news!

I wanted to update everyone on the best possible news I could have gotten. I received a call this afternoon from both my oncologist and surgeon to tell me the pathology report showed no residual cancer in my breast or lymph nodes! I am beyond happy and relieved. I don't think it has fully hit me yet, as I'm still pretty fuzzy from all the pain meds. :)

I also want to thank everyone for all the very sweet messages sent the last few days. Eric read me each and every text and email that was sent and they definitely helped keep my spirits up. I couldn't have gotten through this without all your support and prayers. I have said this over and over, but it's more true everyday... I have the most amazing people in my life and feel so incredibly lucky.

When I'm feeling a little more clear minded I will write more about my surgery and how I am feeling.

XO

appointments... and more appointments

It's been awhile since I've written and I wanted to update everyone on how my appointments have been going since my final chemo treatment.

Last Friday I had two doctors appointments. My first appointment was with the Radiology Oncologist. Going into this appointment I really didn't know a lot about radiation except that it's supposed to kill what is left of (if any) the cancer cells inside me. I was called back to talk with a nurse who asked me a long list of questions. Most of the questions seemed pretty standard until she asked me if I had a living will. (blank stare) No, I don't have a living will and honestly until that very second it had never occurred to me to have one. Not one single person had ever brought this up to me before. I literally stared at her for what seemed like forever before I told her no. She then asked me if I'd like information on obtaining a living will. I wanted to tell her no but instead I said yes. When she left the room to get me the information, I began to cry. I immediately thought she was asking me this because she knew something I didn't know. My mind was racing. At this point I still hadn't received the results from my latest MRI. The doctor finally came in and of course the first thing I asked her was about my MRI results. She very happily told me the MRI showed continued improvement, which means the tumor was continuing to shrink! Siiiiigh! This was music to my ears. :)

My next appointment of the day was with the plastic surgeon. Again, I didn't really know what to expect except the Radiology Oncologist did tell me in my earlier appointment that going through radiation doesn't make me a good candidate for breast implants when undergoing reconstructive surgery. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I'd always just assumed that that's what I would do. The plastic surgeon did confirm this same thing. We went over a few different options and I have a lot to think about... but I have a lot of time to make decisions. I won't even be able to begin reconstruction for a minimum of 6 months after I finish radiation. So, I'm putting this in the back of my head for now.

I had my pre-op appointment today. Surprisingly, I wasn't nervous for it. I think I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to get the surgery over with. I'm not saying I think it'll be easy, but I'm not scared like I was. Well, let me rephrase that... I am no longer scared of the surgery... I am still very much scared about the pathology report I will get back after surgery. I want to keeping moving forward with my treatment plan. No setbacks! 

round 16 - the FINAL!!

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.  ~Emmanuel

I completed my final round of chemo yesterday. It was an emotional day to say the least. I spent a lot of the day in tears, happy and sad. It was a bittersweet feeling for me to be completing my final round. I had anxiously awaited this day to come from the beginning, but, as I've said before you really do find such a comfort in being at the hospital, getting the chemo and knowing every time you are there it is saving your life drip by drip. Chemo was my security blanket. I felt safe with it. I think I'm ready to end my relationship with chemo now. The relationship has run it's course and I need to move the heck onnnn! :)

My first appointment of the day was a rehab appointment. We discussed the walking exercise and light weight training I will need to continue doing to prepare for the surgery. These exercises will get my body strong enough for the surgery and make for a much quicker recovery. We also went over some exercises I will do after surgery to continue with recovery and also prevent and take care of Lymphedema. Lymphedema is the build-up of fluid in soft body tissues when the lymph system is damaged or blocked and causes swelling. It is a common problem caused by cancer treatment and the removal of lymph nodes. These are exercises I will have to work into my daily life. Lymphedema can pop up even years down the road, but I just look at it like positive changes I'm introducing into my lifestyle.

My next appointment was with Dr. Ellis. I'd been waiting all week to talk with her and ask her some questions I'd been worried about. Last week was a very tough week for me. I hit my all time low point. I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and there was nothing I or anyone could do to subside it. Last Monday when I couldn't sleep I began reading a woman's blog. Her blog was beautifully written and so inspiring. She seemed to have a very sweet and special spirit about her. I related to her on so many levels. We both had children, we both had triple negative breast cancer, we both had stage 3 and we both wanted desperately to live. Well, in the end this beautiful woman lost her battle and I felt like I was losing mine. I took it very personally. I had spent hours reading her every word and feeling what she was feeling on such a deep level. I know her story is not my story, I know this. But, the fear set in and I didn't know how to recover from it. When I saw Dr. Ellis, I began asking her many questions in what felt like desperation. I needed her to reassure me that I was going to be fine and we were doing everything we could to make sure that was going to happen. She'd never seen me like this and even said so. I asked her about the nodule on my lungs and the cyst on my liver. (two things I have never spoken of with anyone except for her.) I didn't intentionally not discuss this with anyone... or maybe I did. When she first spoke to me about them she reassured me they were not worrisome. I trusted her and still trust her. I was scared though and felt like if I talked about either of those things it may really put me in a place I didn't want to be. So, I kind of buried it until yesterday. She again reassured me that she was not concerned with my liver and lungs right now. She said we need to focus on what we know to be true and that is I am making enormous progress in my breast cancer. I believe her. I have an MRI scheduled for this morning and should have the results back within a day or two. I'm wishing, praying, crossing fingers and toes that they won't even see the tumor this time. I hope that anyone reading this can say the same prayer for me tooooo! :)


My brother, Josh, went with me yesterday. I was really happy to get to spend the time with him. We got to talk a lot... actually I talked a lot. He's a lot like me in the sense he's more of a listener and a processor. I obviously had a lot on my mind. Ha! But, he knew just the right things to say. :) I even got to see one of my longest friends, Malissa. She stopped by the hospital and I was so excited to be able to catch up with her. I haven't seen her in a few years, but it felt like just yesterday. She has been through cancer with her dad and had a lot of inspirational things to share. She is one of the most positive people I know and I hope some of that rubs off on me. I was able to open up to her about some fears I've been having and she completely understood them. We shared some tears and some great laughs. I left treatment feeling so lucky to have got to share my final treatment with two wonderful people. Thanks to both of you! :)

And to end the day on a great note, last night Eric planned a dinner with my family to celebrate my last treatment. It turned out so well. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such a supportive and loving family. There were some that couldn't make it, but I know they were thinking of me and wishing they could be there. I love you all from the bottom of my heart and down to the tips of my toes! Thank you to Eric for planning this. You have been an amazing partner through this challenging time.


Tonight I will get to celebrate with some of my girlfriends who I also consider my family. These girls are my rocks and get me through every day. I'm looking forward to seeing their lovely faces tonight!


My days are filled with doctors appointments this week. Treatment yesterday, MRI today, therapy tomorrow, and then Friday I meet with my Radiology Oncologist and Plastic Surgeon. It's going to be busy, but next week Vanessa is on Spring Break and I will get to spend the entire week with both of my girls before I have surgery. I can't think of a better way to spend my time!  

 

Round 15

Energy spent worrying about tomorrow's problems is energy taken away from enjoying today.

I finished round 15 today and have just ONE more to go. I'm still having the same mixed feelings I had after completing round 14. I talked to Dr. Ellis's nurse today who told me those feelings are completely normal and most people do feel this way. If chemo was a little easier on my body I'd maybe consider asking for a few extra treatments. ;) One thing that surprised me about chemo is that you're body (or at least mine) never got used to it. It has definitely got tougher the further along I get in my treatments. The side effects have became more frequent and harder to take as time goes on. I'm scared about the next phase... surgery. I so want all of this to be done with and behind me as much as possible. On the other side, my prognosis and plans for the future depend so much on what they find when they do the surgery. My understanding of the kind of cancer I have (triple negative) is that generally it is more likely to metastasize and has a poorer prognosis than other types of breast cancer. However, if I achieve a complete pathological response at the time of surgery, my prognosis improves to about the same as other types of breast cancer. Complete pathological response means that the chemotherapy has completely eradicated the cancer. Studies show that about one third of triple negative patients achieve complete pathological response. Siiiiiiiiiigh... I really do believe in the quote above. It's just difficult to do in the quiet moments alone each day or lying in bed awake at night. Of course I am worried about a bad outcome, but I think the hardest part is the unknown. So, the surgery coming up is a very good thing. At least I will know what I am dealing with.

My very good friend, Jen, went with me to treatment today. She, like pretty much everyone else who has come with me had an idea of what a chemo treatment would be like. It really sounds a lot more intimidating than it is. Plus, the nurses and doctors at Swedish make the experience so much easier to take. Gosh, I remember how scared I was before I went for the first time. I think she was pleasantly surprised at how it went. One of my favorite parts of going to chemo is the one on one time I get with the wonderful people going with me. Life gets so busy and it becomes more difficult to find the time to catch up with the ones we love. I've really enjoyed the time I get with everyone who has come with me.

Brooke's daycare is closed this week and and I'm very much looking forward to spending some one on one time with her. :) Being with the girls brings so much comfort to me.

Alcohol and Breast Cancer... not worth it.

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer in November, 2010 I have had just a few glasses of wine. After reading the research in the link below, I'm reminded how not worth it it is.

http://ww5.komen.org/Content.aspx?id=6442453108&ecid=emklapr11:5 

Round 14

I completed round 14 Monday, March 28th and have just two more treatments to go! I'm having mixed feelings about ending chemo. Part of me is completely happy and cannot wait for that final day, but then there's a part of me that isn't ready for it to end. Every week when I go to treatment I find comfort in being there and imagining the chemo entering my body and killing any bit of cancer left in me. The end of chemo also means the end of this phase of my journey... which means I'm getting closer to the next phase of my journey. I'm a little afraid of that next phase. I know what chemo feels like. I don't know what not having breasts feels like.

My appointment yesterday went well. I met with Dr. Ellis and we scheduled the last MRI I will be having on April 12th. This will give the surgeon a good idea of what she's facing when she performs the surgery. Of course, she won't know the full story until she gets in there and sees for herself. The surgery is going to take about 3.5 hours. I opted to have two surgeons instead of just one. This will cut the surgery time in half. It seemed like a no brainer to go this route.

I haven't felt that great this week... I've been really tired and weak. I think this is all just taking a toll on me both physically and mentally. I just read an article about depression and cancer. It said it's almost impossible for you to be touched by cancer and not then be touched by depression. Just knowing you have cancer alone is tough enough, but then every single medicine that you have to take to fight the disease causes depression and anxiety. I think that is the #1 side effect listed on each medication I'm taking. Sigh... I don't mean to sound like a "Debbie Downer" because I do feel like I have been pretty positive throughout this whole thing. I think I'm just anxious for this all to be over and to have my life back to normal. 

I started the Active Program at Swedish last week. I met with a rehabilitation doctor who started me on a work out regimen. This will help me get the strength to be able to recover from the surgery much quicker. I went again on Tuesday and met with another doctor, Dr. Zucker, who went into a much more detailed plan for before and after the surgery. I thought the appointment would be more about physical care, but he talked with me about my mental care as well. He had such a calming effect on me that I started crying almost immediately after he began talking to me. When you have cancer (at least for me) you always try and make the people around you feel better about it.  But when I met with Dr. Zucker he made me feel like he really knew what I was feeling on such a deeper level than any other doctor I've met with. Here is a link to Dr. Zucker talking about his role in helping people living with cancer, live well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BYK0Eedvu4 I recommend this program to anyone fighting cancer.

Round 13

Round 13 down and 3 more to go. That is nothing! I can totally do 3 more rounds. 

I went into round 13 very calm. The weekend before was incredibly relaxing. Friday night I spent a much needed day and night all by myself. I missed the girls and Eric, but still enjoyed my time alone to do nothing or anything I wanted. I ended up cleaning, but if you know me, you know that actually relaxes me. I'm weird... I know. ;) It pretty much took up my whole day as I still get very tired on Friday's with any sort of activity. I also rented a couple chick flicks, started watching Burlesque and fell asleep halfway through. The half I did see, I did enjoy. But, I fully admit I have horrible taste in movies. I'm a sucker for happy endings and will watch any movie that has some sort of happy ending. 

I then got to spend some time with two of my favorite people in the whole world, Jenny & Justine. They have been my longest and best friends since we were young. We took a drive to La Conner,  walked around the shops and ate out at some cute restaurants. We had lots of laughs, a little tears and more laughs. I needed this time with them to get my mind off my reality so badly and it worked. The weekend ended with a nice family dinner at Eric's moms house. It was a perfect weekend. :)

I planned to go to my treatment on Monday by myself (I really, really don't mind this). But, Eric does mind this. So, Melissa (Eric's sister) came with me and we had a nice time. She, like a lot of others really wanted to see what I go through during chemo. I think it puts a lot of peoples minds at ease. All the nurses and even the receptionists are amazing at Swedish. I am beyond happy with my decision to get my treatment there. 

My blood counts were good and have been almost every time since I've been on Taxol. When I went in to see the doctor, we talked about some upcoming things. I will be doing one more MRI before surgery to get an idea of what my tumor/lymph nodes look like. I will also be joining the "Active" program at Swedish. This is a program for cancer patients going through/after chemotherapy and also rehabilitation after surgery. They will put me on an exercise regimen designed specifically for me. Until several years ago, it was thought that exercise for cancer patients was harmful, but now they have found it crucial to recovery.  I wish I would have began this program much earlier, but hoping it's better late than never. I have been walking as much as I can. If it's nice out I'll take walks outside, but living in Seattle those days are few and far, so I found a walking video "on demand" that I do. I've also been taking Brooke with me to the mall and we just walk. She loves it and I love spending the one on one time with her. Although, this has gotten her in the habit of going and she's now asking to go daily. Oops! I may have started something there. As the doctor and I were discussing an end to chemo quickly approaching and how great that feels, she did let me know there is a chance of needing chemo again after surgery. We won't know if this is even an option until after the surgery and they see exactly what's going on inside me. I'm of course hoping this will not be the case, but am open to anything to treat me. She also mentioned a 20% chance that when I'm in surgery they will find no sign of disease at all. This would not change the plan of action to have the double mastectomy and she stressed how uncommon this is, but how great would that be! I'm hoping and praying this will be the case. 

After seeing the therapist the last few weeks, I have been having fewer panic attacks and the anxiety isn't as bad. Getting my fears off my chest is a huge relief and I recommend it to anyone going through this. I have a lot to still work on, but I'm doing the work and that feels really good. I'm still scared and likely will be until this is journey is over. I do realize this cancer shmancer business is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life in one way or another, but I'm gaining the strength and knowledge everyday to continue to get through this. I truly believe the changes have to be mind, body and soul. I will get there!!!  

I also want to share something with you all. This was sent to me from a very sweet woman I've never met, but feel as if I have. A very good friend of hers was also diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer a few years ago and two years later is cancer free. I relate to her words so much and feel like they could be mine.

Dear Cancer,

You came into my life a few months ago and caused me great pain. My heart was broken when I heard you were attempting to take my life. Many tears were shed and many screams into the nearest pillow I could find. To rid your disease my body was cut, poked and run down. I did not understand why you chose me. You caused extreme fear and worry for those that love me. You created a world for me that I did not want to be in. Your goal is death, but I would fight you hard. How can you stand the thought of taking a mother away from her two small children and leave her husband alone? Did you think I would allow this to happen? You made me sick and very tired and some days I could not sleep. You kept me up thinking what if..... You took away precious time from my children and family, time I cannot get back. You left my family helpless to watch me endure your motives. My mom and dad couldn't even fix this, they used to be able to fix everything. You took my sense of security of health and my hair. Most of all, you scared my children and I hated you for that. But not anymore.

It took some time, but I realized you are not in control. I am in control of how I remedy and handle what you have attempted to do to me. Although you are not a person, you are capable of doing what some people do to each other every day. I want to call you evil, but evil you are not. You taught me many things on this journey. Things I never knew before. You woke up my senses. Made me more appreciative for life and family. You allowed me to meet new friends to last a lifetime and build stronger friendships with those already my friends. Helped me see what true friends are all about. You made me humble. You showed me how loving and caring complete strangers can be. You made me realize how precious life is, and really how short it is. You taught me to not sweat the small stuff, there is always a bigger fish to fry. You made me want to get to know God, and place my faith in him. You are helping me be a better and a healthier person. You taught me patience and endurance. You made me want to help other women also embedded with your disease. You made me stronger, I can do anything now. You made me realize life can change in an instant, step back and enjoy the moment. You helped me get my priorities in order, what is more important. You allowed me to not take those I love for granted. I've learned that there are other people far worse off than me and not to feel sorry for myself. I've made you part of my life now, because you are. I will never forget what this journey has taught me. Better days are around the corner. It won't be long and I will have the ability to soak up my children's energy and appreciate it, my health, a new head of hair, and my head held high. Cancer, thank you for the lessons. Should you someday feel the need to come back and visit me, I will be ready for you.