I need to get over ittttt....

So, I need to give you a little background on myself for those of you who don't know me well. I am shy. I've always been this way. In high school a friend of mine said (in the most loving way possible) "Margie, everyone thinks you're a bitch because you don't talk to anyone." It wasn't because I was a bitch... far from... I was just shy. Even my uncle said to me "I didn't even know you had a voice until you were 18."  I started joking with my friends and family that I had a social anxiety. Well, that social anxiety came true when I found out I had cancer. I'm a pretty private person and keep most things to myself or to those closest to me, and I didn't want to be around ANYONE unless they were close to me. And when I knew I had to, I would have a full on panic attack. A huge part of the anxiety was I didn't want people to look at me differently, talk to me differently... 

So now to my point. :) Yesterday I was soooo cranky. I couldn't figure out why... but, I couldn't shake it. Then it clicked. I had Vanessa and Brooke's curriculum night at school that I had to go to and of course wanted to go to. I started to have a panic attack. I hate feeling like this more than anything. If you've ever had a panic attack, it's pretty much one of the worst feelings a person can have and it's not something you can control. I had to be around people who didn't know me... and if they do know me, they definitely don't know me well. You'd think I'd be fine since all these people don't know that I just had cancer... that I just had my breasts removed and all my hair fell out. But, I'm constantly wondering if they are looking at me wondering what's wrong with me... why I look like this. Maybe they aren't. But, to me, I know I look different. I'm self conscious. I don't feel pretty. I can't lose a single pound that I gained from the stupid steroids I was on. Everyone says I look great with short hair... but when I look at myself, the short hair is just a reminder of the cancer.

I know I need to get over this anxiety about being around people... especially since I go back to work on Monday. I work with some really, really great people who I am so excited to see... but they haven't seen me since the day I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm afraid that everyone will look at me differently, talk to me differently. I'm afraid I will start crying the first mention of my cancer.  Most importantly, I want to get over this anxiety because I want to be a positive voice for breast cancer. I want young women to know that they too can beat this. I want my daughters to be proud of their mom.

Wish me luck!