Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I need to get over ittttt....

So, I need to give you a little background on myself for those of you who don't know me well. I am shy. I've always been this way. In high school a friend of mine said (in the most loving way possible) "Margie, everyone thinks you're a bitch because you don't talk to anyone." It wasn't because I was a bitch... far from... I was just shy. Even my uncle said to me "I didn't even know you had a voice until you were 18."  I started joking with my friends and family that I had a social anxiety. Well, that social anxiety came true when I found out I had cancer. I'm a pretty private person and keep most things to myself or to those closest to me, and I didn't want to be around ANYONE unless they were close to me. And when I knew I had to, I would have a full on panic attack. A huge part of the anxiety was I didn't want people to look at me differently, talk to me differently... 

So now to my point. :) Yesterday I was soooo cranky. I couldn't figure out why... but, I couldn't shake it. Then it clicked. I had Vanessa and Brooke's curriculum night at school that I had to go to and of course wanted to go to. I started to have a panic attack. I hate feeling like this more than anything. If you've ever had a panic attack, it's pretty much one of the worst feelings a person can have and it's not something you can control. I had to be around people who didn't know me... and if they do know me, they definitely don't know me well. You'd think I'd be fine since all these people don't know that I just had cancer... that I just had my breasts removed and all my hair fell out. But, I'm constantly wondering if they are looking at me wondering what's wrong with me... why I look like this. Maybe they aren't. But, to me, I know I look different. I'm self conscious. I don't feel pretty. I can't lose a single pound that I gained from the stupid steroids I was on. Everyone says I look great with short hair... but when I look at myself, the short hair is just a reminder of the cancer.

I know I need to get over this anxiety about being around people... especially since I go back to work on Monday. I work with some really, really great people who I am so excited to see... but they haven't seen me since the day I was diagnosed with cancer. I'm afraid that everyone will look at me differently, talk to me differently. I'm afraid I will start crying the first mention of my cancer.  Most importantly, I want to get over this anxiety because I want to be a positive voice for breast cancer. I want young women to know that they too can beat this. I want my daughters to be proud of their mom.

Wish me luck!


  1. Hello,
    I have a question about your blog. Please email me!

  2. Your Daughters ARE PROUD of you!! And so is anyone and everyone that knows you! The anxiety is real, but it can be overcome. You are a strong and beautiful woman...I KNOW YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TOO!!

    Love You....MORE!

  3. Margie –

    I don’t claim to know you well (although at times I feel like I do because of this blog) but I can tell you that you are DIFFERENT. You are kind, you are strong, you are brave, you are faithful, you are beautiful, you are gifted….and YOU have gone through what some of us never will. All the while, you have been open, eloquent and powerful in sharing your experiences and feelings with both people you know and don’t know. In my opinion dear, that makes you VERY different, in all the best ways.

    You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt



  4. Margie -

    You have been so brave through all of this. Sharing your story with others. Finding a voice, while navigating through uncharted waters. You are an inspiration to me and so many other's. Enjoy your last few days off. On a selfish note I cant wait till you are back at work so I can give you a big hug.


  5. You are confident lady and your girls must be inspired from you a lots.

  6. I tell you, your story and struggle is very interesting. You said you are shy and very private about personal life. But from this blog, you shares your life very friendly.

  7. Dear Margie,

    I followed your blog, when I came across it last week. I was shocked to see that only 1 year later after your last post, that you weren't with us any longer. It was devastating to know that, especially after feeling like you let us get to know you, through your own personal journey.

    You are an inspiration to all of us, though I feel like there should be a better word used here to describe how brave and strong you were, for your children and husband.

    I too, have TNBC and I will be a 1 year survivor in January.

    You are my TNBC sister. Thanks for keeping your blog up, so that others can read how to live healthy and love strong.

    You are in my thoughts today and your family as well.

    You are truly an Angel.

  8. I am quite sure they will learn lots of new stuff here than anybody else!

    These kind of courses are very important to the society that we live in if these kind of courses were start before the situation was much batter

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