Thursday, July 14, 2011

HATE cancer.

It's been awhile since I've written. I said this in my last post too... but it's been really hard for me to write how I'm feeling because it changes so much. It seemed much easier to write when everything was so fresh... the words and feelings just came pouring out.

I've been feeling ok with the radiation treatments, but have my days of exhaustion both physically and emotionally. I've finally reached the point in the treatment where I'm feeling the effects. My skin is getting irritated and red... my energy level is hitting some low points. It's the kind of exhaustion that a good night sleep and a nap during the day doesn't help. It's been affecting my mood and I'm finding myself becoming very irritable. I'm taking it out on the people closest to me and that makes me feel even worse. I've been trying to take some time by myself in the evenings so that I can find some peace and calm... That seems to be helping a little bit. I have to keep reminding myself that I have just two and a half weeks to go and then I will be done with all of this! I'm really, really looking forward to that final day.

I had a bit of a set back emotionally yesterday. I found out a dear friend of mines sister is losing her battle with cancer. She has been fighting this awful disease for several years and has done so with so much grace. It hit me very hard for so many reasons. My heart is broken for her, her family and most of all her children. She is a mother of a young boy and girl. I don't know how you prepare yourself and your children for this. It's my worst fear. There's not a day that goes by that I don't have a tinge of fear that this could happen to me. Just a few months ago, I was talking with my friend about her sister and how she was doing. She told me about a conversation she had with her that has stuck with me ever since. She asked her sister if she was afraid to die. Her sister said she was not afraid to die, but she was afraid to leave the people she loved. I cried when I heard that and I'm crying now. That is the most profound thing I've heard since I've been diagnosed with cancer. It's how I feel. I'm not afraid to die... I'm afraid to leave my daughters, my family, my friends... who are my family.

Cancer is unfair and I'm really mad at it right now!

If I can send any message at all... Every day, tell the people who matter to you that you love and appreciate them. And love your children unconditionally, no matter what. Tell them you love them EVERY DAY.


  1. Margie, Heart Warrior. I Love You More, I Love You More. Thank You for being so Authentic. I Am afraid of the same thing......- Molly

  2. God Bless you & your family - keep fighting, I just know you will beat this. I HATE cancer too, and its going down. Kathy

  3. My Beautiful Girl, I HATE it too...but, I LOVE YOU more!! You are strong and make us all realize how precious life is...I LOVE YOU ...UNCONDITIONALLY!!!

  4. I cry with you
    Love you....sara

  5. Margie Marie, Thank you for sharing your heart..your words are so true..and a reminder to all of us that nothing on this earth is a given..but love...and that we speak it to those we love.
    I love you missy and keep you close in my heart and prayers.
    Peggy Sue....

  6. Love you Margie!

  7. I cry for Alrene too, I smile for your success. Cancer Sucks! I cry for all who are affected by it. Its a horrible sucky thing! I love you!

  8. I know I should be happy to just be alive but as a four year survivor I hate what cancer has done to me. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I look 20 years older my thick beautiful hair has never come back, my skin looks gray, estrogen inhibitors have made me an IT instead of a women, I have no sex drive, I take two antidepressants, tram flap breast reconstruction failed so badly I almost died from all the complications and the aloderm in my abdomen has failed and I have a hernia the size of a grapefruit on my belly that can not be repaired. I am sick of pretending life will be somewhat close to what it was before cancer but it never will. I have huge purple scars on my abdomen, back and chest and there a great big indentations where a breast used to be. I am not just old now I am elderly. I have chemo brain, I can't sleep, I hurt all over. It is just a really bad f**king day. Just like yesterday and the day before. But tomorrow I will get up put a smile on, go work out and pretend I don't care what cancer has done. thanks for letting me bitch cause nobody else will

  9. Everyone would be hate cancer. We all can understand that you would be frustrated with it.