round 16 - the FINAL!!

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.  ~Emmanuel

I completed my final round of chemo yesterday. It was an emotional day to say the least. I spent a lot of the day in tears, happy and sad. It was a bittersweet feeling for me to be completing my final round. I had anxiously awaited this day to come from the beginning, but, as I've said before you really do find such a comfort in being at the hospital, getting the chemo and knowing every time you are there it is saving your life drip by drip. Chemo was my security blanket. I felt safe with it. I think I'm ready to end my relationship with chemo now. The relationship has run it's course and I need to move the heck onnnn! :)

My first appointment of the day was a rehab appointment. We discussed the walking exercise and light weight training I will need to continue doing to prepare for the surgery. These exercises will get my body strong enough for the surgery and make for a much quicker recovery. We also went over some exercises I will do after surgery to continue with recovery and also prevent and take care of Lymphedema. Lymphedema is the build-up of fluid in soft body tissues when the lymph system is damaged or blocked and causes swelling. It is a common problem caused by cancer treatment and the removal of lymph nodes. These are exercises I will have to work into my daily life. Lymphedema can pop up even years down the road, but I just look at it like positive changes I'm introducing into my lifestyle.

My next appointment was with Dr. Ellis. I'd been waiting all week to talk with her and ask her some questions I'd been worried about. Last week was a very tough week for me. I hit my all time low point. I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and there was nothing I or anyone could do to subside it. Last Monday when I couldn't sleep I began reading a woman's blog. Her blog was beautifully written and so inspiring. She seemed to have a very sweet and special spirit about her. I related to her on so many levels. We both had children, we both had triple negative breast cancer, we both had stage 3 and we both wanted desperately to live. Well, in the end this beautiful woman lost her battle and I felt like I was losing mine. I took it very personally. I had spent hours reading her every word and feeling what she was feeling on such a deep level. I know her story is not my story, I know this. But, the fear set in and I didn't know how to recover from it. When I saw Dr. Ellis, I began asking her many questions in what felt like desperation. I needed her to reassure me that I was going to be fine and we were doing everything we could to make sure that was going to happen. She'd never seen me like this and even said so. I asked her about the nodule on my lungs and the cyst on my liver. (two things I have never spoken of with anyone except for her.) I didn't intentionally not discuss this with anyone... or maybe I did. When she first spoke to me about them she reassured me they were not worrisome. I trusted her and still trust her. I was scared though and felt like if I talked about either of those things it may really put me in a place I didn't want to be. So, I kind of buried it until yesterday. She again reassured me that she was not concerned with my liver and lungs right now. She said we need to focus on what we know to be true and that is I am making enormous progress in my breast cancer. I believe her. I have an MRI scheduled for this morning and should have the results back within a day or two. I'm wishing, praying, crossing fingers and toes that they won't even see the tumor this time. I hope that anyone reading this can say the same prayer for me tooooo! :)


My brother, Josh, went with me yesterday. I was really happy to get to spend the time with him. We got to talk a lot... actually I talked a lot. He's a lot like me in the sense he's more of a listener and a processor. I obviously had a lot on my mind. Ha! But, he knew just the right things to say. :) I even got to see one of my longest friends, Malissa. She stopped by the hospital and I was so excited to be able to catch up with her. I haven't seen her in a few years, but it felt like just yesterday. She has been through cancer with her dad and had a lot of inspirational things to share. She is one of the most positive people I know and I hope some of that rubs off on me. I was able to open up to her about some fears I've been having and she completely understood them. We shared some tears and some great laughs. I left treatment feeling so lucky to have got to share my final treatment with two wonderful people. Thanks to both of you! :)

And to end the day on a great note, last night Eric planned a dinner with my family to celebrate my last treatment. It turned out so well. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be surrounded by such a supportive and loving family. There were some that couldn't make it, but I know they were thinking of me and wishing they could be there. I love you all from the bottom of my heart and down to the tips of my toes! Thank you to Eric for planning this. You have been an amazing partner through this challenging time.


Tonight I will get to celebrate with some of my girlfriends who I also consider my family. These girls are my rocks and get me through every day. I'm looking forward to seeing their lovely faces tonight!


My days are filled with doctors appointments this week. Treatment yesterday, MRI today, therapy tomorrow, and then Friday I meet with my Radiology Oncologist and Plastic Surgeon. It's going to be busy, but next week Vanessa is on Spring Break and I will get to spend the entire week with both of my girls before I have surgery. I can't think of a better way to spend my time!