Be Happy Now

The title of this blog is the name of a short book (about 23 pages) I've been reading a couple times a week for the last couple of weeks. If you haven't guessed why I'm reading it... it's because I haven't exactly been the happiest I've been in my life. I've actually been quite a biatch lately. I have taken it upon myself to rename cancer to crancer. Cancer =Cranky.  I really want to get this crankiness under control, so I started searching for self help books and came across Be Happy Now by Annie Jean Brewer. It first got my attention because it was so short. I have a shorter than normal attention span right now. It also doesn't help my crankiness that each medicine I'm taking lists side effects such as depression and mood swings... oh, and weight gain, which really is the least of my concern at this point, but never ever fun to read. Have I also mentioned the fact that I have insomnia more than half the time? Which is why I'm up writing this blog at 1:15 a.m.

Eric told me tonight I was cranky. At first I didn't agree and told him that it was because I was tired... which is true, I am tired. I was given Benadryl today with my chemo which completely knocks me out while I'm there. I wish I could get a prescription for Benadryl. Something tells me Dr. Ellis will not go for this. Another thing that does not help is the 10 steroid pills I took this morning and in my IV during treatment that causes insomnia. The Lorazapam I take before bed isn't even working. Anyway, back to my crankiness tonight. After Eric told me I was being cranky for no reason, I decided maybe he was kind of right. I still don't fully agree that it's for NO reason, but I get his point nonetheless. I can think of about 20 reasons right off the top of my head of what I have to be cranky about. But those reasons don't give me the right to be cranky to anyone. Grrrrrr! So, I decided it was time to read the book again.

There's a chapter in the book that I keep going back to. It's called "Exercise the Happy Muscle." It basically tells you to list the things that you are happy and thankful for and focus your energy on those. I decided to make a list of the things I am thankful for right now.

I am thankful for my two very sweet little girls who I am completely in love with. 
I am thankful that Eric still wants to be around me and loves me even when I am a raging biatch.
I am thankful for Eric being here to help me get through this darn cancer business.
I am thankful for my family and extended family... my dad/mom, brother/sister, aunts/uncles, grandma, cousins... every single one of you for your continued support.
I am thankful for my mom who goes to my chemo appointments with me while all I do is sleep, and she doesn't care.
I am thankful for the phone calls, texts and emails I get daily with encouraging words.
I am thankful I still get these phone calls, texts and emails even when I don't always write back right away.
I am thankful for my beautiful friends who amaze me with the strength and love they give me every single day. I would be lost without you.
I am thankful for the daily texts from my dad that always end up in a battle of who loves who more. I always win. :)
I am thankful for the chemo that is killing this cancer inside me.
I am thankful for Dian Lineback for everything she has done... cooking my family meals, researching to no end on what will heal me and for just being the amazing and inspiring woman she is.
I am thankful for Jan for the relationship we have and the support he gives me with the girls.
I am thankful to Janette and everyone helping get "Team Margie" together. You are such an amazing and caring woman.
I am thankful for Shay (the girls daycare) for picking up and dropping off the girls when I'm having tough days and for becoming a very important person in mine and the girls lives. You have such a kind heart.
I am thankful I have a place to live and food to eat and money to pay my bills... at least for now... kidding... kind of... ;)
I am thankful to work for a company that allows me the time off to get healthy and spend as much time with my daughters as possible.
I am thankful for still having eyebrows.
I am thankful to have found an amazing doctor and team of nurses who give me the faith I need in the fight I have ahead of me.
I am thankful for E! News and Fashion Police being on in the middle of the night.

I could continue on with this list and it really does make me realize I have so much to be happy about.

The next step in this chapter asks me to list what my concerns are. I don't think I'm quite ready to share this list yet. It feels so deep and scary and open... I'll get there soon, I promise. I know that list will help me get to my happy place. I'm almost ready.

After reading this book, I switched over to the other book I am reading, Crazy Sexy Diet. This book is equally inspiring to me. It's more of a mind, body and soul help book. It too focuses on being happy and what stress can do to your body. I'm learning so much and really excited to start introducing a lot of new things into my life. This may sound crazy, but part of me feels like getting cancer is a good thing in allowing me to start my life over, live it the way I want to live it and take control over my happiness.

I'm sorry if this post came across negative, but it really is a positive for me. The purpose of this blog was to let you all be a part of this journey with me and right now this is where I'm at in my journey. Tomorrow is a new day. :)

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"
Movie Quote from Rocky Balboa