the end... is just the beginning

It's been three weeks since I finished my last treatment. It's hard to believe that it's been 10 months since the day I found the lump... and it has been a whirlwind of events since that day. I am so thankful for everyone who held my hand through every treatment and all my tears and fears. Everyone closest to me was affected by my cancer diagnosis and I've had to continually remind myself that I am not the only victim in this. Everyone had to deal with it in their own way. It wasn't easy for me or anyone else. So, thank you to everyone who not only supported me, but never gave up on me!

"The end... is just the beginning"

I saw this quote just days after my last treatment and it has stuck with me since. It sums up exactly how I feel in just a few words. Yes, I am at the end of my treatment... but that just means I am beginning the rest of my life. If cancer has taught me anything it's how incredibly precious life is. I don't ever want to live with regret and wish I would have done this or that differently. I have this chance at a new beginning and I'm gonna take it. :)

I went to my very first support group meeting last week. I was really looking forward to going until right before I had to leave. I got really nervous and scared. My mind started racing and I began making up excuses of why I shouldn't go... all of which I knew were ridiculous. I was pretty emotional the whole car ride there. I knew I was going to have to talk about my cancer and how it made me feel. I couldn't think of anything worse. The thought of being in a room full of people I didn't know and then to have to talk about my feelings felt like torture. I'm not good with either. The meeting was exactly how I imagined it to be. Everyone sat in a circle, introduced themselves and told their stories. I was overwhelmed with different emotions. I wanted to run out of there as fast as I could, but I also wanted to stay and hear every single word these women had to say. My eyes began to tear hearing the very first woman tell her story. It brought me back to the day I was told I had breast cancer. While it was definitely an emotional night for me, it was one I'm so glad to have had. I left there feeling better than I have in a long time. All these women related to exactly what I am going through and feeling. It was like a breath of fresh air.

XO

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

I came across this song today and have been crying ever since. I immediately thought of Eric. He has been through it all with me and has never once tried to leave... even when I've asked him to. He promised he'd stay by my side and that's where he's been every single day since. I haven't made it easy. I have had every single emotion a person can have during this time... scared, tired, relieved, happy, sad, angry, devastated, strong, thankful.

I'm just a few days away from my final treatment and it's more emotional for me than I imagined it would be. It's been almost nine months since this all started... the day I received the phone call that changed my life forever. All those emotions are hitting me all at once as this is all coming to an end.

I'm beginning to wonder what my life will be like after cancer. My life has changed and I feel myself continuing to change. I keep saying "I want my normal life back". The truth is... I'm not sure what that is anymore. I'm looking forward to finding my new "normal". So, everyday from this point on, I'm going to live my life wide open to new possibilities. I'm going to open my mind to the lessons I need to learn after cancer. Life is a precious gift and I'm going try and live every single day thankful I'm here living in the moment, not looking back.

I have a hairdo... kinda...

I'm excited to say... I finally have enough hair to (maybe) call it a hair style! :)

ALMOST DONE!

Just a quick little update...

I am down to just four more radiation treatments. WOO HOO! I'm not sure my skin could take anymore than that. I am burnt to a crisp and it may just get worse over this week. Yikes! The pain from the burn may even be worse than the mastectomy surgery. But, I see the end in sight and that is keeping my spirits up. I even have a special day planned for my final appointment. The girls, Eric and I are staying at a hotel downtown and having a pool partyyyyy (weather permitting, of course).

HATE cancer.

It's been awhile since I've written. I said this in my last post too... but it's been really hard for me to write how I'm feeling because it changes so much. It seemed much easier to write when everything was so fresh... the words and feelings just came pouring out.

I've been feeling ok with the radiation treatments, but have my days of exhaustion both physically and emotionally. I've finally reached the point in the treatment where I'm feeling the effects. My skin is getting irritated and red... my energy level is hitting some low points. It's the kind of exhaustion that a good night sleep and a nap during the day doesn't help. It's been affecting my mood and I'm finding myself becoming very irritable. I'm taking it out on the people closest to me and that makes me feel even worse. I've been trying to take some time by myself in the evenings so that I can find some peace and calm... That seems to be helping a little bit. I have to keep reminding myself that I have just two and a half weeks to go and then I will be done with all of this! I'm really, really looking forward to that final day.

I had a bit of a set back emotionally yesterday. I found out a dear friend of mines sister is losing her battle with cancer. She has been fighting this awful disease for several years and has done so with so much grace. It hit me very hard for so many reasons. My heart is broken for her, her family and most of all her children. She is a mother of a young boy and girl. I don't know how you prepare yourself and your children for this. It's my worst fear. There's not a day that goes by that I don't have a tinge of fear that this could happen to me. Just a few months ago, I was talking with my friend about her sister and how she was doing. She told me about a conversation she had with her that has stuck with me ever since. She asked her sister if she was afraid to die. Her sister said she was not afraid to die, but she was afraid to leave the people she loved. I cried when I heard that and I'm crying now. That is the most profound thing I've heard since I've been diagnosed with cancer. It's how I feel. I'm not afraid to die... I'm afraid to leave my daughters, my family, my friends... who are my family.

Cancer is unfair and I'm really mad at it right now!

If I can send any message at all... Every day, tell the people who matter to you that you love and appreciate them. And love your children unconditionally, no matter what. Tell them you love them EVERY DAY.

Radiation...

My life is starting to calm, but the calmer it's getting the harder it is to process my thoughts enough to share them. I began radiation last week and so far so good. I wasn't sure how I would feel about having to go to the doctor every single day, but I find myself looking forward to the visits. I've found some comfort in being there, in a room full of people going through something very similar to what I'm going through. It's a much more intimate setting than chemo was. Everyone is very open to what they are going through and sharing their experiences. Until recently, I haven't felt the need to get involved in support groups because I've had so much support from all my family and friends. I didn't really think it was necessary. But, I realize now the support you get from people who are or who have gone through this fight is a very different kind of support.

My life seems to slowly be getting back to normal. My hair is growing back (I may even have a cute pixie cut in the next couple of weeks), I'm getting some more energy and my body isn't giving out like it had been. I am feeling more like myself every day. It feels really good. :)

Race For The Cure

On Sunday, I walked for the first time in the Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure with "Team Margie." It was a fabulous day with some fabulous people! I was surrounded by so much love, I didn't even know what to do with myself. :) It was an honor, to say the least, to have my name attached to such an amazing foundation. I am proud to announce we raised over $18,000 and came in first place for the largest friends and family team with just over 200 people!

I arrived to the event an hour-and-a-half before the race began to personally thank each person who came out, but there was just no way. Everywhere I turned I saw a Team Margie shirt. I was so excited and happy to be surrounded by so many of my family, friends and fellow survivors. :) I had to wear my sunglasses all morning to hide the tears that seemed to be a constant in my eyes. Every person at this race knows someone who has been affected in some way by breast cancer or who is suffering from it right now. It was such an emotional feeling to see all these people come together in the battle against breast cancer.

The best part of the day was getting to the finish line and seeing most of my team waiting there to cross with me! Wow is all I can say. These people are really something else! I'm getting teary eyed just writing about this. I AM ONE LUCKY GIRL!

A HUGE thank you to our team captain, Janette Connelly, for her hard work and countless hours to make this event so amazing! I also want to thank my very talented cousin Melissa Ceja for creating our team shirts. Thank you to everyone who came out to not only support me but all the women and men who have been affected by breast cancer!!!!!!!!

Lastly, I wanted to share a few important facts about breast cancer and why the Susan G. Komen Foundation is so important in our fight against breast cancer.

·         75 percent of net funds raised are invested locally in breast health education, screening and treatment support

 ·         One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime.

·         Every 69 seconds, someone, somewhere in the world, dies of breast cancer.

·         Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer death among U.S. women ages 40 to 59.

·         About 2.5 million breast cancer survivors are alive in U.S. today.

·         Early detection is the key to survival; the five-year survival rate, when caught early before it spreads beyond the breast, is 98 percent. Thirty years ago is was 74 percent.

·         Three simple steps for early detection:  1) regular mammograms, 2) clinical breast exams, and 3) breast self-awareness.

·         The greatest risk factors for breast cancer are being female and growing older.

·         Breast cancer knows no boundary, be it age, gender, socio-economic status or geographic location.

·         Washington state has one of the highest breast cancer incidence rates in the country.

·         $150 can fund a lifesaving mammogram through Komen’s community grants program.